BEN F. VICK, JR.
Say nothing but hold a grudge in your heart and refuse to speak to him. Just “sweep it under the rug.” Just let time pass by and remain silent. Or tell others what he did to you. Announce it to the world via social media. Write him up. Is that what Jesus said to do? Hear him:
Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican. (Matt. 18:15-17.)
“If thy brother” here carries the idea of probable future. It expresses that which is not really taking place, but which probably will take place in the future. Jesus knew there would be times when a brother or sister would do another brother or sister wrong. Jesus tells us how to deal with this matter before it happens so that when it does, we will know what we are to do.
“Shall trespass against thee.” This is not a case of one who has taught false doctrine. That is addressed elsewhere in God’s word. To “trespass against” you means to sin against you. He has done you a personal wrong. It is a legitimate wrong. Is a serious matter. Sin unrepented of will cost one his soul eternally. Has he done something to you that will cost him his soul? Or is it that you just disagree with his personal opinion? If he or she has done you wrong, sinned against you, what should you do if anything?
“Go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone.” If he or she has done you wrong, go, do not sit, but go. Tell him his fault. The Greek word (ἐλέγχω) is defined as “to express strong disapproval of someone’s action, reprove, correct” (BDAG.) Another reference gives several definitions: “To convict, refute, confute, generally with a suggestion of the shame of the person convicted…. to find fault with, correct; by word; to reprehend severely, chide, admonish reprove” (Thayer). It is not easy to go to someone who has done you wrong to express strong disapproval of his or her actions. It is very hard, but it is the Lord’s way.
When you go to tell him his fault you go alone so it is just you and the one who has wronged you. Do not take it to the preacher, the elders, other members and ask them to go with you. At this point you go alone. The more people who know of the wrong done you, then the more you will have to let know that it was corrected if he repents. Keep it private at this point.
“If he shall hear thee” indicates he listened and repented. When that happens, you have gained your brother. Does this indicate that if he will not hear and repent you have not gained your brother?
“But if he will not hear thee,” that is, he will not repent, “then take with thee one or two more.” This is done that “every word may be established.” It might be the case that you thought he or she did you wrong, but you imagined or misunderstood the accused brother. These witnesses can hear both sides. If you were wrong in the charge, then you should make an apology and the matter is dropped. However, if the brother did you wrong, these witnesses can also admonish, and if the brother refuses to repent, then the next step is to be taken.
“And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it to the church.” “Neglect” is a softer word than the original. The Greek word (παρακούω) indicates someone who pays “no attention to something that has been heard….to refuse to listen, to disobey.” The third step is for the purpose of letting the church know so that they may admonish the brother. Jesus said, “but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as a heathen man and a publican.” In other words, after these three steps have been taken, then no fellowship is to be enjoyed with this person.
Suppose the brother refuses to repent? Can you forgive him if he refuses to repent? Consider the parallel passage: “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:3). The brother has a debt. The debt must be removed. The debt can be removed when he repents. You then are duty-bound to forgive him (Matt. 6:14-15). If you do not forgive him, you cannot be forgiven. If he does not repent, he cannot be forgiven.
Many have the mistaken notion that they can forgive someone who does not repent. But they do not understand forgiveness. When someone has done you wrong, you are not to harbor hate in your heart. Forgiveness does not mean you will no longer hate that person. You should not hate or hold ill will in your heart regardless. Christians are not to hold ill will toward anyone. We are even to love our enemies (Matt. 5:44; Rom. 12:14). As Jesus was dying on the cross, he said, “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do. And they parted his raiment, and cast lots” (Luke 23:34). That prayer was not answered until fifty days later when those who had crucified Jesus repented (Acts 2:22-38). We should always be ready to forgive someone when he repents. Even when he has not repented, a Christian attitude toward him might lead him to repentance.
I hear people say, “Forgive and forget.” In the true sense of the word “forget,” you may not forget. However, if he has repented and you have forgiven him, you do not hold it against him anymore. I believe Peter repented of having denied the Lord three times, and Jesus forgave him, but the account is still in the Bible. When God said, “For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more” (Heb.8:12), the meaning is that God will not charge us with the sins if we have repented.